Wearable Wednesday Zoe Jordan


This is how the back of all my needlepoint looks:

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Always secure the scissors before going to bed at night.

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I think I’m about to sneeze at this too.

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No more strip poker for you, Lady!

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Mud flaps. Interesting choice.

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And yet she still got a cold.

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Warm hands, cold……well, you know…..

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photo credits: style.com. All images remain the property of their original owner.

Lisette, you woo’d me again


Lisette and I- we have a little thing. We are so cozy together. My favorite blouse I’ve made 4 times in varying levels of gaudy is a Lisette Continental. It’s my go-to for  a comfy top I can dress up or down.

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I have 2 Diplomats-

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I have a Portrait in a bad fabric choice!

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I made a portfolio so long ago that I can’t even find it! 4 more Lisette babies including a jacket a dress and 2 tunics. When I like, I like strong, you knows?

So much like when  your favorite beautician, the keeper of the flame color as it were, whispers that she is going to be under a different sign, you grab your toweling and follow!

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Lisette is with Butterick now. Small distinction I suppose, Big 4 is Big 4, right? Well so much is my love of this gal, I saw the name on the envelope top on a counter display and grabbed them up like penny candy. This jacket 6169 has gotten much love lately, but the dress was my focus.

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Hmm- tunicy, it has those oddly placed marsupial pockets sure to be useless for phone storage, but it has a nice slim line and fun shoulder detail. It is also a 1 episode of Mr Selfridge and 2 episodes of Married at First Sight sew. Yes, I still count sewing room time in episodes. This week I hemmed a pair of pants for a friends daughters first work uniform. She asked how much, I thought about how many things I watched and charged her my 30 minute sitcom rate.

Now, today will be an adventure. I plan to try out the camera timer. I don’t think the husband really believed I wanted to try taking pics myself. I think he just thought I was lapsing into one of my episodes of ‘chore tourettes’ I get when its the weekend.

‘did you move the stuff off the deep freeze?’

‘did you move the stuff off the deep freeze?’

‘did you move the stuff off the deep freeze?’

‘did you move the stuff off the deep freeze?’

‘did you move the stuff off the deep freeze?’

‘did you move the stuff off the deep freeze?’

Usually he just nods at me sympathetically, wishing there was a medication to take away my suffering and make me stop repeating myself. So not to embarrass me during these times of such an obvious issue on my part, he ignores these noises coming from my face. Ain’t he swell? Husband Chore Tourettes- lets work for the cure, ladies.

‘Did you locate the camera remote? I’d like to use it….’

‘Did you locate the camera remote? I’d like to use it….’

‘Did you locate the camera remote? I’d like to use it….’

‘Did you locate the camera remote? I’d like to use it….’

‘Did you locate the camera remote? I’d like to use it….’

‘Did you locate the camera remote? I’d like to use it….’

Ok, after a 5 minute tutorial and then 3 seperate refresher sessions that involved heavy sighing form him and  solemn vows from me that ‘THAT IS NOT THE BUTTON I PRESSED!!! WHY WOULD I LIE ABOUT IT????’ I have realized that this is just not as easy as I thought. I present my craptastic photos.

Series 1, a study is camera placement:

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Series 2-  why is it falling? Get out of the frame, Bruderlein?!

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Series 3- ‘No- wait- CRAP?!’

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Fine. I’ll just throw it on Ms holloway and show you the fun details of this one:

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Sigh…..maybe next time I’ll get a full body shot.

photo credits: pattern review, little me, google images. All images remain the property of their original owners.

Wearable Wednesday Undercover


Winged Bridesmaid of the Damned

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And now- the celebrated Dance du Canopy Bed-

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Harriet the extremely stylish spy.

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Psst- stop staring at her knees- it’s rude!

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Shorty bowling blazer?

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It is now officially the 500th time I have typed ‘what is that thing on her crotch’ while writing a Wearable Wednesday. We’ll have cake later.

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Ok, I am totally onboard with the baseball jacket craze now.

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Dragon with a parachute? A siamese cat with 2 umbrellas? Aerial view of Kittyhawk? A schooner?

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The Bolshoi never appreciated Vernoique’s more modern routines.

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Meet me at the party-

How will I find you among the crowd?

Oh, you will….

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What the what?

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photo credits: style.com. All images remain the property of their original owner.

Wearable Wednesday Markus Lupfer


Today we will be speaking directly to one of Marcus Lupfers models! Modelling is often a career passed down in families- our model is no exception- her great-grandmother was a print model for Beatrix Potter. Please meet Flop-Z.

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I can’t believe I’m being interviewed for Womens Wear Daily!

Ahem, Flop-Z, it’s actually Wearable Wednesday.

Well, crap. Did the check at least clear? My agent is toast for this.

Can we discuss the collection a bit?

Fun sneakers, sullen models and ME. enough said.

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Can we discuss the rich textures interplaying with basic, barren shapes-

I’m not in this picture. Whats to talk about- move on.

Ok, ok.

This is much better- I’m doing a much better job than the other so called model! Look at my RBF- perfection! No one does Resting Bunny Face like Flop-Z!

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Oh, this brocade is so-

Hey! Look at me in this one! Look how thin my ears look- I am noted in the industry for my flawless ear-gap. No one can top my swagger in the ear-gap department. It’s also natural- not like that Kottentail show off who married a rapper.

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This is a tough industry, how do you stay grounded?

I mentor other young models. These 2 on the right are very new- I had to gently tell one of them to put down her e-cig for the picture. Imagine!  One must give back to the industry- but not too much- these models can turn on you! I learned that from a certain wannabe that has obviously stolen my brow game.

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Are the rumors of rivalries and model hazing true?

Sadly, yes- it happens all the time- I have to put upstarts in their place- Bitch got a hand full of Flop-Z’s personal good & plenty in this picture- she’d been squeezing my tail all shoot and I was not taking any more!

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I can see why you are so popular in the industry- the camera loves you- may I ask- do you get whisker highlights?

This interview is over.

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photo credits: style.com. All images remain the property of their original owner.

Simplicity 1466- lest I offend


Alright everyone, let’s take our seats- it’s time for a serious talk about a possibly uncomfortable subject. No, not SPANX- that’s been pretty well-covered. I’m talking about Clothing diversity. Yes, Clothing Diversity. Familiar? Its ok, I just made up the term. Now we all know that imitating a person’s accent or culture is not cool. Even if you don’t honestly mean to be offensive- you probably have. But what about appropriating a person’s national dress? When does homage become Paris Hilton dining at Nobu in a shorty Geisha costume she got at Party City? Can a person manage to swing past the tacky costumy feel of a direct cultural knock off and be as acceptable as a Nehru jacket on a Ken doll?

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You all knew this was coming- my Bollywood summer madness debut. It started with an embarrassing Simplicity Harem girl pattern. I wanted to take that part to my grave, but a pattern review needs pattern accuracy, right? So I’m going to admit that I research Kameez suit pants patterns and darned if this costume wasn’t right on the money. So I used a homespun muslin business with a thin gold pin stripe and then tapered the legs in about 3 inches, adding 2 to the length and then I gently gathered the outer leg about 6 inches into 3 to get that elephant ankle effect.

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***I meant like the children’s book!  The saggy-baggy elephant- this was in no way an attempt to add even more dubious cultural web strands to this possibly inflammatory post***

Ok, as you know I’ve been circling pinterest and even Vogue India online to drool and plot. I decided that the obvious tunic styles with blousy sleeves and embroidery would be seriously ‘I got it at a little shop at the port!- isn’t it darling? ’ So I went in a less obvious direction- Simplicity 1466. I’ve submitted to sleeveless again!

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It feels kind of retro- but dressy. Cutting Question, Simplicity! What’s the point of that center seam? It isn’t even curved for fit purposes- it’s just there to make me match a print again?! When I do my standard fit moves, I angle the upper neck on all bodices in about 1 inch, so I just didn’t bother with that seam at all. Hello pattern match. Now as you know- I am built not like the proverbial brick shit house, but like a classical Egyptian icon- a thing to gather around and worship, marveling at its design- yes, a pyramid. So I can get anything with a fit and flair shape over my head without a zipper- it’s my skillset. Show me a fit and flare straight jacket and me and MacMurphy are busting out of this Cuckoo’s nest with only minimal mussing of the hair!

My only other change was no interfacing- the stretch twill was heavy enough to not need it. So I bothered not a bit.

Now, down the hall, I hear the stirrings of my personal chauffeur Husband. He awakens. I will give him 15 minutes to mainline coffee, pet the dogs and start up World of Warcraft- then I shall spring my fab, FAB, FFAABB! New look on him.

I gussy up and head into the computer lair. I warn him that the overhead light is going on. I do a slow

Prancing Fantasia Hippo turn. I beam, I await praise. Nothing.

Well, not nothing, I did get a look of terrified horror. He looked at me like I was wearing blackface. Seriously. He looked like if he’d had access to a blanket and a divorce lawyer he would have thrown both of them over me. I start saying ‘What, what, what?’ in ever increasing shrill tones.

He finally speaks and tells me that I cannot possible leave the house and go to work in those pants- they are so ‘on the nose’ that I will offend every doctor on our GI staff. He backpedals at the look of crushed sorrow on my face- he likes the top maybe with leggings, but the pants- no, nononononono!!!!!!!

So ok, I put them on the back burner and puzzled over what the problem is. I would never dream of wearing a Bindi or having a Chinese character tattooed on my leg that I had no idea what the social ramifications entailed, but the pants of another culture? If they aren’t Nazi uniform pants- aren’t I safe?

I’m on a slippery slope in buttered Doc Martins, me thinks. Just because you don’t mean to offend- doesn’t mean you don’t. Perhaps I need to try to walk a mile in another man’s moccasins- crap! Forget I wrote that! I don’t think we say that anymore. Focus! How would I feel if someone ran around in my national dress. Ok, honestly, I’d want to know why they couldn’t be bothered to spruce up a little. I

mean really. Didn’t we invent the jammie pants/hoodie combo? Jeans and camo? Feel free to take that and run with it other nations- I’ll stay busy trying to run from it.

Ok, little enablers- here’s your chance to weigh in on the pants of perdition or the Leggings of Lamentation!

Set phasers on stun and let me know if this outfit should be buried or loved and embraced.

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Do you shriek? Do you recoil?

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No one shot at me or threw eggs- I think I’m kind of safe and you know what? I am soooo comfortable! I love this fabric- Mary Jo’s in Gastonia for the win!

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Oh, come on- tell me this isn’t fun!! Look how well I match the railing!

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photo credits: meadhawg, google images, pattern review. All images remain the property of their original owners.

Wearable Wednesday Agonovich


This is what happens if you fuse Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter together:

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The perfect thing for napping at work- a suit that turns into a duvet!

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I’m sorry- the hat just makes it too much.

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Mercy Pete- where is her other leg????

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Oh, dear….I actually really like this?!

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Ma’am- you forgot to smile with your eyes….

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Corporate Game of Thrones

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If she isn’t careful, she’ll need the matching eye patch!

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photo credits: style.com. All images remain the property of their original owners.

Vogue 1152 and the reluctant model


So today I had a meltdown with my photog. See? I’m just like the poor models I feature weekly. I suffer. I suffer mightily.

But first, let me say that In the last two weeks I have sewn like it would make the gaudy unicorn of my soul come alive and let me ride it to the cavern of endless gelato. We all have our dreams, maybe you find mine silly, but world peace has its goofy aspects too, I’m sure. I’ve been thinking summer and work and how I can mesh them safely. I finally made Vogue 1152   and I want to pull out my obviously dyed hair when I think of how long i had it as a bench warmer and never put it in the game!?  I love it!!! I was afraid of that gathered area in the front and I’m not totally sold on piping, so I only did 2 piping lanes. Look at my adorable Betsey Johnson necklace! Sorry, distracted by my own bright shiny objects for a minute there.

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Ready for my list of changes?

Why is there a side zip in a dress with an elastic back insert? Forget that zipper. I say no. I also tried to give this a bit more of a high/low mullet thing. Mulletts are way friendly to the seated worker. The back is not in the way and the front doesn’t puddle up in your lap and lose stray m&ms while you work. Ah, the things I know.

Here’s Quasimodo heading for the belltower, secure the children!

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I also am a silent sufferer of FFFD. Yes, I have Fatally Floppy Facing Disorder and if I fool with one too long in a silky material I have to take medication. It’s true. I have a special parking permit for it. Don’t judge me, be encouraged by my honesty and brave use of self bias. Please note that once more Vogue thinks I want full rib cage exposure. I raised this one 2 inches and will still be exhibiting major tank top yardage. Whats up with that Vogue?

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Can you tell I’m trying to grow my hair out like my favorite demure blossom, Carol? So I have to go thru shaggy to get to wispy. Yup. Rough hair times ahead. I’m thinking I’ll look more like Darryl for a few weeks.

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Ok, I really like this top/tunic business and I must say, I am on the look out for more fabric to play with for this. I love this print, but its diagonal EKG pattern makes it look like it’s pulling at bust and lower back and I swear it isn’t. I am truly comfy in this- and felt really good until the picture taking started?!

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Ok, now- my meltdown. My husband takes beautiful pictures. He can see beauty in the most dilapidated structures and and overgrown locations. So he’s perfect for documenting little me, right?

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No. He is so mindful of the technical aspects that he freaks me out! I get so tense and uncomfortable when he runs a photo shoot like a NASA mission launch.Honestly, if the flash doesn’t go off, I expect him to scream ‘Abort! Abort!’ and dive under the car. It doesn’t make me feel pretty. You know? It’s really the only time that we are not totally on the same page. All my internal prepping to face a camera is out the window in the face of his sighing and looking at me like he is taking CSI pics and can’t fit my tortured entrails and the little cones completely in the shot. Maybe we both need to drink before and during the shoots. Whats focus really matter anyway, right? Just use your imagination! What are your tips for taking pictures when you really just don’t feel it?

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photo credits: pattern review, meadhawg, google images