Help!! I’m at 15 days from vacation!

People who make announcements like that should just be slapped hard, right? I know, go ahead and picture it a few times in your head then lets get back to my problems. Ok? This is Darla- the fish killer from Finding Nemo.  The Husband will be Dr Sherman, of course. Now here is the rub. I am just not a crafty gal. So I call upon the talented web wonders I know (thats YOU!) to tell me know to get ‘RocknRoll Girl’ on a stupid purple shirt before my head explodes. I have the handwriting of a serial killer and no painting skills. I have trouble getting the syrup on the pancakes, so really, detailed work involving staining liquids is perhaps a bad idea. Any ideas?

In other more fun news, I went to Mary Jo’s! The grail of fabric stores in Gastonia North Carolina. Of course the moment I entered, the camera battery died. Isn’t that just the way? I feel like those people who claim that Big Foot or Bill Murray (very similiar, I hear) came to their house, took them miniature golfing and then they all skinny dipped with the Dalai Lama….yes, right, were are your pictures???? I swear, the camera died right when I wanted to take that picture of …oh, crap, you believe me, right? Of course you do.

Well, it was huge and my friends Barbara and Bonnie let me act like it was my first day out of prison- they let me wander and fondle to my hearts content. Psst- not to be too ugly, but it made my usual trips to Hancock feel a little like this: I’m sorry Kelly!!! I felt very silly- they are quilters*, so their haul was a good bit smaller in size than the 40 yards of assorted tacky that I was hauling about to cover my dainty fanny. The baskets provided were way small- I’ve got to get working on some ‘service dog vests for the dachshunds so they can work like pack animals in situations like this!

I now have many plans and schemes and I plan a cutting marathon as soon as I finish my Victory  Patterns Anouk which I love and I hope I am doing justice to! Have you seen Theresa’s? She has done 3 now and has been doing variations- so pretty!!!

*wordpress spell check changes ‘quilters‘ to ‘quitters’ but I defended your art!!!

photo credits: google images, little me

Wearable Wednesday Roberto Cavalli …What do you see?

Sew Ruth? I need you to focus here, we have pants options for you! You can stop worrying about the needle holes- this is going to camouflage it with cat shreddiness.  We also have a new distraction from non-functional sheers- watercolor Pink Floyd prints! I like  a lot of this collection in theory, altho it seems to be 4 basic pieces in several color themes. Come on Roberto, just line these and I’d be happy. The first picture has so much visible from the outside that I think I see her inner thigh nicotine patch?! So now I’d like you all to relax and clear your minds. We’re going to play a game. Hopefully the FBI isn’t monitoring this blog- we’re going to all say the first thing that we see when we look into the 2013 RTW textiles of Roberto Cavalli. Ready? hmm- did anyone say ‘Squid Foreplay?’ Me too! Alright go ahead, try it! Nipples is too easy- try again! Does anyone know how to tuck sheer into sheer without looking like you are wearing bicycle shorts?Cheetah mantis anarchy! hmm- your turn! Alien Monarch Boobs! Which is also my stage name, when I rap. 

photo credits:

Vogue 1312- and lots of thank yous!

This dress just really didn’t do it for me…..until of course the online sisterhood of amazing talent kicked in and I saw it for all of it’s origami whatsit skirt glory! Graca sent me  her spare copy-Sweetie! – and I swore I would do the pose- perhaps not as well as some have…..Pattern Review!  Whee! I’m to9tally gettin’ my Stevie Nicks on here…..Yes, those are pink engineer boots and a Crystal Mickey Mouse necklace. You’ve come to expect class here at the ‘Grievances, I gives it to ya!

Well, I’m loving it now. It did present a challenge for me fabricwise. It doesn’t need much embellishment- oh horror, it really calls for a solid to let those fab panty fort-making corners be the show piece. Hey, I tried, I did. I almost used a solid! Alert the media! Ok, here’s the pose:Hmm….did you hear something? Well, will wonders never cease! Let’s move on shall we? Now this dress is a wonder. By the time I got to the hem, I was in a Yoda state. I was feeling so smart- it made me think back to this post from Lizabout noisy koala sex ok, I thought about that alot too, but no, the real issue was, ‘have I been believing that Vogue was really hard for no reason?’ My Vogue phobia is well documented, but I’ve had greater tragedies with other Big4s than with Vogue- why am I clinging to Vogue fear? Maybe there just isn’t a Vogueapocalypse?!

Let me share. I got the bodice together and the top portion of the skirt stitched on and in a try on mode. I wandered the house checking the daily dachshund damage and the husband raved about the dress. Then I told him it wasn’t done. He liked it in the half-down, pointy figure skating girl stage. Sorry!

Oh, Graca, thank  you!   I can’t gush enough about how cool, generous and kind the sewing world is to each other . It seems like sweet people are always doing things for each other.I feel so accepted.  This week I got another prezzie, too! Lizzy sent me 2 pieces of gorgeous whimsical dachsie fabric! I will have a seperate post about that- it is even cuter than many koalas having sex?! Yes, I know, it  boggles the mind! Just you wait!

photo credits: Pattern review, meadhawg

Wearable Wednesday with Christopher Kane

Hmm- is this the Dylan’s Candy Bar challenge from Project Runway? Do I see chewing gum? hmm….How early do you start your seasonal decorating? Mr Kane started this week.Ahhh…it exfoliates you as you strut….Are those phone cords on her shoes? Is that a form of retro in our cordless age? That reminds me of a Laura Ashley flak jacket…is that bullet proof and lavender scented? Umm….just ….yuck. I can’t- huh? I think I see her spleen…Nice bow- I think a 2nd one wouldn’t hurt…. Now it’s your turn- give your best:

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Pattern Pyramid Pile Award Ceremony- live from the Drawing Area!

Ah, awards night! Rich with tradition, formality and dignity.The team from Price Waterhouse have arrived and it is time for the selection of the first Pattern Pyramid Pile winner. The air is thick with tension, nerves strain as our honored selector moves into position on the selection altar/coffee table. Bruderlein has been training for this for his entire life! His impartiality is second only to his love of fairness and equality…ok, whatever, he’s a dog.Our team here at The Grievances have placed each name facedown on the selection altar/coffee table and it is being further masked by a small piece of purina senior cat diet indoor formula**.

On with the selection!Oh, it’s a melee! The Price Waterhouse reps are storming the selection altar/coffee table! Please keep your seats as security works to control the situation.Oh, the carnage! Not since the MTV video awards of 1998 has such barbarity ensued during a time-honored presentation. This crap NEVER happens at the Nobel awards?! It’s a dark day for humanity say I.Alright, the names have now been entered into my saturday night chapeau and a new drawing will commence. We appreciate your patience and during this time we ask you to take a moment to reflect, so that when your grandchildren ask you where you were on the day of the…


you will be ready with fresh images and feelings about the…..Oh! Oh! We have a winner!!!We request that    Velosewer!      please email me to begin the glorious mailing process and life of rich envy that our winner has entered into. Thank you everyone and as we leave the Dorothy Chandler Pavillion, please  drive safely and remember to tip your waiter.

**Please note, no endorsements were accepted and no applicants are named Ralston or Purina or are themselves senior indoor cats, that we know of**

photo credits: meadhawg, google images

Mccalls 6565- the Dr Mccoy reboot

Do you remember the most unattractive blouse in the most slimy fabric of summer 2012? Well, just like JJ Abrams did with Dr Mccoy- I have done an upgrade.Yes, Lord, I am back to trying to save Mccalls 6565- I think i am the only crusader out to save the marsupial top! Great strides have been made- I ungathered the sleeve awnings, I released the hem to float freely with just a thread chain connecting it to the lining, I lessened the bust gathers (they looked angry, my friends) and I used a softer more pliable fabric- rayon challis. Behold!Mccalls 6565 is no longer the white whale of my sewing room- thru patience, challis and at last 4 episodes of Louie CK, I have conquered the ugly. I suppose technically I am the white whale of my sewing room, but anyhoo! Action shot! ….and the marsupials danced and sang together! …and they admired each others shoulder awnings. Fall visited Anderson for maybe an hour this week, so I got to layer at last!I’m really pleased with this little top. I’m trying not to think of all the other things I could have accomplished if I hadn’t spent so much time on it, but hey, the fun was in the effort on this one and who wants to admit that a little Mccalls pattern beat them? I know, don’t hang your arms in your pockets, it’s not ladylike! But it was only to accentuate the marsupial qualities! I swear! Improvement? I think so. EEK! Joy is restored to the hollodeck once more. I didn’t change the pattern very much-  so the last one tragically pictured above, should be considered a muslin, I suppose- it did get disposed of, it was just so unpleasant and oddly constricting! Almost like the Star Fleet uniforms from the first Star trek movie!  Oh scary! Oh vaguely inappropriate!  Is that phaser set on stun??Not everyone is amused, Jim! **the Pups are at the groomer this morning, Bruder will be looking very sharp for his photo spread tomorrow as he picks the 1st Pattern Pyramid Pile winner!

photo credits: meadhawg, pattern review, google images

Wearable Wednesday….Rodarte

I love Rodarte. If I ever have my fantasy fashion slumber party, I would put these two ladies between Zac Posen and Lady Becks, just to see who got their bra frozen first.For my guest shot on Game of Thrones I will wear this-I want Rhonda to do a full Saturday Sleeve episode on this one for me- who’s signing my petition? OOOH!!! We need a shoe intervention…STAT! These clompers are hurting my soul!

Ring Toss wear  for Bikers? Insert your own thought here- I’m overwhelmed….

This is what Thors date wore to Homecoming:This is textural to the point of scratchy…Your thoughts on texture and slumber party hazing?

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**psst! Don’t forget the SC Pattern Pyramid launch on  9/15….enter soon!