Do you have a body part that you prefer not to picture? Of your own, I mean. Not that person you end up next to in the changing room that really needs to get that thing seen to. I mean a part of you that you spend a lot of time draping and trying to distract from. Mine is my posterior. Yup. I hate my butt. Lets embrace it (not literally of course) but with some handy terms from the online slang dictionary:
Big Booty Judy
…and a bunch of other terms that will now feature heavily in my google search counts and disappoint many a teen pervert across the globe.
Whats wrong with my butt you ask? Hopefully you haven’t made this statement while squinting at your monitor and are just asking casually as a long suffering friend might. Its flat. Seriously. Like the plains. You have my lower back and then whoa- you are at my thighs and have no idea how you got there. Its so undefined that the Kardashians are holding a charity telethon and auction to raise money for it. Hey, it was this or humanitarian efforts, but this, they could spell and found to be much more upsetting.
So whats all this building toward? All this brave ass honesty? I made some pants. New Look 6246 to be precise. I’ve been toodling around Pinterest, doing nothing useful of course, and loving the look of the print pants I’m seeing. Then my favorite cousins from Ohio visited and Monica had all these great pants that looked good casual or dress up. Yes, I covet, you know I do! Check these out:
Um, ok, no.
Well, to paraphrase Jane Eyre, gentle reader, I sewed them. It was even a stash bust and I’m thinking, correct me courteously if I’m wrong, but the fit is even pretty good! Now whats the problem , oh whiny one? I keep putting them on, getting very close to the door, even getting husbandly compliments, but then I remember the unspeakable- that flat area that is now on display due to all the fun stripes bisecting it. I’m just convinced that if I don’t throw on a loose drapey tunic, serape or a blanket, that while I am standing in line somewhere (ok, in the cafeteria, probably) a drive in theatre will be built behind me and retro loving hipsters will makeout while watching the Creature from the Black Lagoon swim across my hindquarters.
Ok, enough stalling, here’s the
I love the ankle ties. I love the slim legs, I love pockets. I kind of love this pattern. It’s an elastic waist without looking like clown pants. Can this go wrong? Maybe not. Now, I’m used to leggings and jeans and the particular fit they have- these made me feel a little exposed- so I added a football shaped gusset to the crotch area- it doesn’t show, but makes me feel a little less concerned that they are too fitted.I made no other changes- I was very busy matching all these stripes! Here we are on the way to dinner with the Mominlaw. Let me just ease into this, ok? Here are my feet:
Ok, a little more- don’t make any sudden moves now.
Alright, deep breathes, I know I’m among friends, here we go…..Geronimo!
and now, the moment you’ve all been anticipating- the butt shot. Yes, I am ready for my wide angle reveal. I don’t own grey pants because I look like Eyeore from the back. Seriously, I just need a tail with a pink bow.
So tell me, do I just need a longish cardigan to ease my comfort level or just buck up? I don’t want to shroud myself and ruin the look of these pants. But…….
Time for a tension breaking quote form Coupling!
“When God made the arse, he didn’t say, ‘Hey, it’s just your basic hinge thing, let’s knock off early.’ He said, “Behold ye angels, I have created the arse! Throughout the ages to come, men and women shall grab hold of these and shout my name!” – Thank you, Jeff that brings it al into perspective, right?
Photo credits: pinterest, pattern review, meadhawg. All images remain the property of their original owners.