Truly I cannot explain it- my blog has not reached the mammoth front row invite, toast of the town, fashion maven level that I assumed it would. I mean really- a girl like I with taste and style should be advising Kanye and sipping diet coke with Kaiser Lagerfeld and his cat.
Something must be done. So I’ve hired a stylist/guru/consultant to advise me. Ahr-Vette. I’m sure you’ve heard of her…him….them. Honestly I’m not sure which- I asked and they responded that their gender identity was Je Jene. Email me if you figure it out.
I’m very excited about my first photo shoot guided by this master of sartorial swanning. I will be alone as Bruderlein seems to be under the weather after his makeover. I think he ate too much of his lipstick and I had to cut 3 pairs of eyelashes out of his tail flag. Maybe next time.
Let’s discuss my dress while I wait for the photo shoot set to be finished- I think I hear seals, but it must be something else. I couldn’t afford the albino moose Ahr-Vette tried to rent- that led to a major hissy fit. See? I knew this was the big league!
This week I’ve made a project I’ve been stewing on since last fall. Prada, Gucci and Mui Mui did a lot of collars that were jeweled or heavy tapestry in contrast prints. I’ve been wanting a fit and flare collared pilgrim dress and finally settled on New Look 6299.
I did not change the pattern at all other than adding the contrast cuff to the elbow length sleeves and widening the space between the collar a bit. I chose the contrast stripe front- ever on the look out for that slimming illusion without exercise!
. I did not Muslin this, but I applied to the Fit Mole Goddess for armscye guidance and cut the neckline and trimmed the shoulders to fit my Mary Todd Lincoln body shape.
Oh, wait……Ahr-Vette needs another check and a box of jointed stuffed animal paws overnighted to the photo shoot. I should ask why….Ok, I’ve upset Ahr-Vette. I need to go get her and her 3 assistants soy chai’s.
Ok, I’m back. I have soothed AV- I get to call him that now! Not that I’m in the inner circle- I just wasn’t pronouncing it right and it was giving her/him a migraine.
For me this dress sew was just a chore to do until I could play with the collar.
I wanted random, kind of found object foolishness. I think I got it. This contrast fabric almost matches the main fabric- I tried perfect matches, but it felt too quilt match perfect- this felt a little jarring with the polka dot. I’m sorry! I’m sorry! AV needs me for light tests. Let me run.
This is so important to me- the being the next Kardashian mega star, I’ve used my 401k to fly my team and myself to New York to rent and shoot in a very trendy gastro palace in the old Bowery. Ratpandoo is amazing! It’s an unrestored storage unit left by the previous owners and it oozes cool city vibes. For $700 a patron, a minor member of the Grimaldi family eats a free range dingo strip steak and then gently belches the fumes onto you. It is an amazing experience that only the truly Riche can fully appreciate.
‘Is this ok? What if I trip? I can’t see so well-‘
‘Naomi Campbell falls all the time- are YOU better than La Campbell??? Listen to Ahr-Vette! I am art! Now still your soul and bend at the knee- no- the other way- be like the wraith! Be A dark willow of glamour!’
‘Can I show them the back? I did a zipper…’
‘The back is not moving Ahr-Vette! Bend like the sad puppet- hold the pose- hold the agony- seize the schradenfreude!’
‘It hurts! I don’t understand the plan- why-‘
‘WHY? She asks why? You of the less than 900 followers and no Instagram?? ‘
‘Ok, sorry, sorry!’
‘What are you doing? ‘
‘Well, if I turn slightly, I’ll look thinner..’
‘No turning. We airbrush 95 pounds from your peasant flanks later. ‘
‘But that’s crazy- I’ll look 80 pounds- nobody modeling is 80 pounds….oh…’
Well, I think we can all agree that this has been most successful and I just have to wait here quietly for the accolades and offers to pour in. Vogue, Harpers, Marie Claire, Popular Mechanics, I await your summons.
Photo credits: Pattern Review,. little me, Ahr-Vette. All images remain the property of their original owners.