Month: September 2015

Wearable Wednesday Philosophy di Lorenzo Serafini

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For the discerning Oompa-Loompa bride

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Cowgirl Jessie gave this 2 thumbs up- Elsie the Cow….not so enthusiastic.

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I can’t even be sure what I’m seeing here- well, except for nipples, I know I’m seeing them….sigh

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This wouldn’t even be flattering in Aunt Flossies bay window.

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from the unaired Bewitched episode where Endora gets drunk and hits on Durwood-

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Should your cape be longer than your skirt? Can I get a ruling on this?

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Whoo-hoo! Opaque fabric!

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I’m suddenly feeling very anti- antimacassar

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photo credits: style.com. All images remain the property of their original owners.

Wearable Wednesday Andrew GN

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I’m coo’y today- look at this:

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Look at how simple, yet fab this is!? Take note- I endorsed a solid color!

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Leslie has that ‘Dad, I begged you to wait in the car- OMG- are you wearing your crocs??’ Face.

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Ok, the other shoe has dropped- we have some leiderhosen wannabees-

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Will anyone split this outfit with me? I get the top of course….

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Can I get an amen?

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Amanda– I am drawing you out across the web- you need this!!!

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I love this collection so much, the ankle socks aren’t even bothering me!

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Look at her- she sees the covetous gleam in my eye and fears for her safety!

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Jacket! Must have jacket!

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Psst- Duchess of Camby’ how about throwing this on for a quiet state dinner?

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photo credits: style.com. All images remain the property of their original owners.

NewLook 6299- attack of the muse!

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Truly I cannot explain it- my blog has not reached the mammoth front row invite, toast of the town, fashion maven level that I assumed it would. I mean really- a girl like I with taste and style should be advising Kanye and sipping diet coke with Kaiser Lagerfeld and his cat.

Something must be done. So I’ve hired a stylist/guru/consultant to advise me. Ahr-Vette. I’m sure you’ve heard of her…him….them. Honestly I’m not sure which- I asked and they responded that their gender identity was Je Jene. Email me if you figure it out.

I’m very excited about my first photo shoot guided by this master of sartorial swanning. I will be alone as Bruderlein seems to be under the weather after his makeover. I think he ate too much of his lipstick and I had to cut 3 pairs of eyelashes out of his tail flag. Maybe next time.

Let’s discuss my dress while I wait for the photo shoot set to be finished- I think I hear seals, but it must be something else. I couldn’t afford the albino moose Ahr-Vette tried to rent- that led to a major hissy fit. See? I knew this was the big league!

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This week I’ve made a project I’ve been stewing on since last fall. Prada, Gucci and Mui Mui did a lot of collars that were jeweled or heavy tapestry in contrast prints. I’ve been wanting a fit and flare collared pilgrim dress and finally settled on New Look 6299. 

  
I did not change the pattern at all other than adding the contrast cuff to the elbow length sleeves and widening the space between the collar a bit. I chose the contrast stripe front- ever on the look out for that slimming illusion without exercise!

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. I did not Muslin this, but I applied to the Fit Mole Goddess for armscye guidance and cut the neckline and trimmed the shoulders to fit my Mary Todd Lincoln body shape.

Oh, wait……Ahr-Vette needs another check and a box of jointed stuffed animal paws overnighted to the photo shoot. I should ask why….Ok, I’ve upset Ahr-Vette. I need to go get her and her 3 assistants soy chai’s.

Ok, I’m back. I have soothed AV- I get to call him that now! Not that I’m in the inner circle- I just wasn’t pronouncing it right and it was giving her/him a migraine.

For me this dress sew was just a chore to do until I could play with the collar.

  I wanted random, kind of found object foolishness. I think I got it. This contrast fabric almost matches the main fabric- I tried perfect matches, but it felt too quilt match perfect- this felt a little jarring with the polka dot. I’m sorry! I’m sorry! AV needs me for light tests. Let me run.

This is so important to me- the being the next Kardashian mega star, I’ve used my 401k to fly my team and myself to New York to rent and shoot in a very trendy gastro palace in the old Bowery. Ratpandoo is amazing! It’s an unrestored storage unit left by the previous owners and it oozes cool city vibes. For $700 a patron, a minor member of the Grimaldi family eats a free range dingo strip steak and then gently belches the fumes onto you. It is an amazing experience that only the truly Riche can fully appreciate.

‘Is this ok? What if I trip? I can’t see so well-‘

‘Naomi Campbell falls all the time- are YOU better than La Campbell??? Listen to Ahr-Vette! I am art! Now still your soul and bend at the knee- no- the other way- be like the wraith! Be A dark willow of glamour!’

‘Can I show them the back? I did a zipper…’

‘The back is not moving Ahr-Vette! Bend like the sad puppet- hold the pose- hold the agony- seize the schradenfreude!’

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‘It hurts! I don’t understand the plan- why-‘

‘WHY? She asks why? You of the less than 900 followers and no Instagram?? ‘

‘Ok, sorry, sorry!’

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‘What are you doing? ‘

‘Well, if I turn slightly, I’ll look thinner..’

‘No turning. We airbrush 95 pounds from your peasant flanks later. ‘

‘But that’s crazy- I’ll look 80 pounds- nobody modeling is 80 pounds….oh…’

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Well, I think we can all agree that this has been most successful and I just have to wait here quietly for the accolades and offers to pour in. Vogue, Harpers, Marie Claire, Popular Mechanics, I await your summons.

Photo credits: Pattern Review,. little me, Ahr-Vette. All images remain the property of their original owners.

Wearable Wednesday Pirosmani

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Guys! Who put that bucket of decoupage on the ledge? Guys?

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Well, no, it wasn’t exactly on a hanger, but I think they want you to wear it-

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No, you were supposed to razor cut her wig, not her blouse!?

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My couch underside looks like this- I’m against declawing cats.

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I’m afraid to meet this designers target audience.

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photo credits: style.com. All images remain the property of their original owners.

Simplicity 1800- the Comeback Kid!

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Simplicity 1800 in a Valerie Wells cotton was my summer go to for 3 years. It was comfy, girly and easy to throw on.  Ok, guilty admition time. This make sends me a lot of traffic from another blogger and every time I see it, I weep internally. The pic she chose is so ungainly and dumpy- yes, I know I put it out there, but dang- I look terrible in it! Not to mention the blog post its in has ‘pear shaped’ right in the title. Did she google pear shaped and find me? Perhaps. Ouch.

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I loved it. I loved it to hard- it’s been retired. I’ve held it back in the pattern bin thinking another needed to be done, but once you’ve ‘conquered’ a pattern, do you go back? I kept thinking, I’ll make this in a border print or maybe change it somehow.
I haven’t. I found this gorgeous fall bow print and kept it straight to the pattern. I’m jumpstarting fall, I know. When I put this on, I felt very country, Ralph Lauren, stand in a pasture soft-focus pet a soft-eyed goat and Fleetwood Mac music filters thru in my personal internal playlist. In this mindset, I drifted into the computer room, where husband yanked me from my reverie.
He was reclined before the double monitors, gallantly saving the world from alien destruction with his cyber dog, Katze on her ottoman pulled up right next to him. Don’t get me started on that unholy union- if I’m ever missing- dust that dog for evidence- she wants me out!
So I float in already visualizing my photo shoot snuck into someone’s pasture, looking like a nymph among God’s creation- a nymph in tapestry booties! Oh, how lovely! Oh, how……..
‘It looks like a Mennonite dress.‘
‘Wh-what? ‘
‘It’s so long and…….. ’
AAAARRRRGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
That’s it. I’m out. You cha-cha’d on my Achilles heel. The long-repressed flashbacks are coming!
Every summer. Lancaster, PA. Dutch country. Flea markets, buggies, fresh fruit and tedium. Why do I go to Disney every year? Because every trip pays my inner child back for one trip to a farm to watch a pig birth.

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Don’t get me wrong- the food was lovely. Chow-chow. Shoo-fly pie, wonderfulness. But honestly, if you’ve seen one Amish person, you’ve seen them all.

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Barn raising is only interesting when Howard Keel and his 6 brothers are involved. I will also note that these vacations coincided with Wimbledon week- we didn’t have cable and the hotel did. Ma ate fudge and stayed in the hotel while Father and I roamed. It’s only after years of quilt-free detox that I can watch ‘Witness’ without falling into a coma.

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Did I digress? Sorry. I believe I was stomping out of the computer room with a most un-‘love thy neighbor’ gesture and comment.

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Why do men see anything without cleavage or a hem just an inch from ones lady bits and brand it ‘Mennonite’ or ‘Amish’? Does anybody else get this? I do have to go to work you know- it doesn’t involve a pole?!

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Now he did apologize- he meant that it was like a prairie style. He really did like it. Too late!!! You just basically told a home sewist that her clothing looked like the ultimate home sewists! You told me I looked like Kimmie Schmidt!? Lookin’ Plain, Ladies.

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Well, nevermind, I know I look lovely and I have a matching strainer in cheetah print for my head covering. Now,if you’ll excuse me, I have butter to churn and worldy English folks to shun.

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http://www.vevo.com/watch/weird-al-yankovic/Amish-Paradise/USZM20400018

photo credits: pattern review, little me, google. All images remain the property  of their original owners.

Wearable Wednesday Opening Ceremony

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Evelyn was a huge fan of Jon Snow and dreamed of joining him on the wall….Until then, she would wander the earth dressed as a black bird.

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Ok, I think they threw in the dog to make sure we didn’t think she was wearing a Bob Marley image without correct licensing.

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Damn it Opening Ceremony, I don’t want to like you- this belt is helping. How do you sit while wearing an Audi gocart steering wheel as a belt?

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I think they are sheep dogs… Or a pile of old geisha makeup brushes.

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Mom, I know where the house is- stop meeting me at the bus stop looking drunk?!

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I have this overwhelming desire to heat up a can of campbell’s split pea soup…..

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A streptococcus bacteria print midi biker jacket!

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photo credits: style.com. All images remain the property of their original owners.

Give it up for my little black t-shirt!

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I think my black t-shirt is trying to break up with me. Seriously. You know when a relationship is new and you can’t wait to spend time with each other? When you see each other in a crowd and you know- pray- hope that they are coming toward you- that you are the one they want to be with? Then you wake up one day, eager to see that one that you love- that fits you, that understands you and they are just ‘meh’ about you? They start avoiding you- they hide behind the goosey cardigan and hope that you will just pass by- when they used to be so happy when your hand would linger over them, then slowly slide them off of the velvet hanger and ………

I can’t go on. I feel like our love has died. But little t-shirt, you knew what I was- you knew I sewed without a plan! Don’t deny it, yes, you knew there were other t-shirts and cardigans bought on a whim- but you knew how heavily I’d rely on you for the support you give- little t-shirt- you complete me!!!

So I guess we need to spend some time apart. I’ve unconsciously created a capsule wardrobe of things that only match you. But you want me to see other people and I get that. I’ve become clingy, needy and there was that business with the ranch dressing last week- you don’t forgive easily.

But first, you need to fulfill your destiny and attend a few more functions with me- WHAT ABOUT PROM BLAINE???? WHAT ABOUT PROM???

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Also you are the only thing that matches my last 5 projects.

Let us once more climb onto our all-terrain donkeys and descend deep into the VALLEY OF THE UNBLOGGED!!!!! Why are these unblogged? They come out of the closet all the time! They are nice little staple pieces.

Well, it’s about shame. I’m embarrassed by my failure to make a full ensemble for them- I love and resent the black t-shirt that I wear all too often. Also, I can’t get excited about blogging anything that contains the sentence: ‘I wear it with a black t-shirt from Target’. It feels like I’m not really bringing it!!

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Yup.

No excitement at all. Anyhoo…..

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Here’s Burda 6770– my foolish Gwen Stefani crossover pants. So comfortable! I think I overdid the crossover part, I didn’t want it to look like I just had my knickers were in the proverbial twist. But since I throw on a Target cardigan and the black t-shirt, I’ve never blogged it. Whats to say? I’m not a blogger of staples.

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Here’s Vogue 9020. I bought it for the top, but haven’t found just the thing yet. So during a Textile Hoarding Closet culling, I grabbed it and actually put in a zipper. Yes, I can do that. I honestly can! I did make a change to this- I moved the zipper to the side seam and deleted the back seam all together. I find a side zip lays better on me- than the center back of a skirt- I get a stegosaurus ripple sometimes. Ignore the crazy eyes- Mutty was tickling me.

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See how fab it looks with this black t-shirt and cardigan from Target?!
Now this one’s a twofer! The vest is Butterick 6077– fully flippin’ lined too. See another thing I can do that you’d never guess, right? It goes wonderfully with my black t-shirt and a skirt I love- Simplicity 1662, but it’s a simple elastic waist with a cross-over, who needs a review of that? Isn’t it great with this little black t-shirt???

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Here’s my Studio 54 blousey jacket. Its Butterick 6065– does it make you think of the ‘POP Music’ video? It does me. Sadly, it matches nothing. That’s why the fabric was just a closet decoration for so long- anything I try with it looks sort of dated and weird. Maybe I can make a nice Olivia Newton John headband with a black t-shirt!!!!!

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Wait!!! Don’t click delete!!! I have so many more pieces!!! I’ve got a boat neck black t on hold at Kohl’s! Don’t leave!!!!!!!

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Ok, I know you all feel like Dorothy and the Cowardly Lion in the poppy field- soooo sleeeepy. I hope you’ll tune in next time for a passionate blog post about all the things that match only my black denim leggings! Now where are they hiding……….

photo credits: google images, little me.

Wearable Wednesday Alena Akhmadullina

55 Comments

Erica earned extra money as a human buffer at the car wash on 3rd avenue.

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I believe that Sasha is trying to sneak her 2 ferrets into Disney World!

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I would have totally worn this to Bob Ross’s funeral. Look at those happy little trees! Sniff, sniff.

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If you look closely- she has a hare-y crotch. I’m sorry that was beneath us or should have been at least.

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Best running out to buy cold medicine at 3am outfit ever!

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Welcome to Fall 2015 Fashion Week- sponsored by Jiffy Pop.

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Hey, Foxy!

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photo credits: style.com. All images remain the property of their original owners.