Children- we have a cautionary tale of Love, fidelity, hair dye, Gable in a steambath,  and oppulent deco decor!

It’s a tale as old as time! A moustache as thin as the plot!

Van is a powerful, suave business man- a titan of publishing! He is of course fully supported by his faithful braless clerical support- Whitey!

Whitey is the perfect secretary! She knows business, makes a great soy latte and serves up sass and encouragement! Van is in love with her  NO!! No, no! Van is happily married to this incredible penthouse!

Oh, wait- the penthouse has a extra bonus! It’s Linda Stanhope- Van’s ever so lucky and fabulous stay at home wife!

Van and Linda are the happiest! 3 glorious years of wealth and amazing gowns! What depression? Van loves to surprise Linda with lovely gifts, too.

Van gives Linda a gorgeous bracelet inside a trout to remember their romantic camping trips. Seriously- the 3rd anniversary is traditionally the ‘scales’ anniversary- look it up!

Linda even gets along with Mother Stanhope- they often lunch together and beat the maids together. But Father Stanhope was a wastrel and Mother Stanhope fears her son has eyes for Whitey!

I’m sorry? Who let you in here? Who are- oh, you’re Whiteys boyfriend Dave. Yeah, good luck with that.

Van is ready to annex another publishing company! I hope it’s anime- that would be cutting edge! He’s a shark! He knows that if the other company knows he’s circling them, they will raise their price and it’ll be  no-go. Isn’t business thrilling? It’s like Wall Street with less hair product. Let’s listen in on this titan of industry as he plans:

Van and Linda have a fancy party to celebrate their amazing life! But Van ends up calling Whitey to come over and work late!

It’s a good thing they dress formally for dinner in Flatbush and Whitey is so devoted to her job!

Clearly Linda is the most trusting and fabulous wife with no marital issues. She hasn’t even offered Whitey one of her old bras as a gift.

Dave and Whitey have a glorious time! Dave thinks they need to move their relationship to the next level, but Whitey is a career girl!

A perfect assistant. She watches Mad Money all the time! To keep the plans for the take over of Tiger Beat on the low low Whitey and  Van decide to go make their business calls from the local pharmacy- since Whitey has to pick up more peroxide and nipple petals.

Good secretaries always multi-task!

Very clever Whitey!  Mother Stanhope and Linda are also out buying petals for Mother and stop off for a phosphate at the same pharmacy Oh, seeds of doubt are germinating!! That pharmacy is almost as busy as that phone booth!

Mother Stanhope needs Linda to wake up! Van is a skirt chasing horndog like his father was! She needs to lock it in with a swiss bank account and some heirs before he knocks up the help! Those are direct quotes.

After a fancy skating party, Linda confronts Van, well sort of, she is doubtful about his relationship with the braless steno-jockey. A fight ensues about replacing Whitey. Honestly, is that the beanie cap of a woman on the prowl?? Ok, maybe he dropped a contact lens.

Van swears that as soon as his big business trip to Havana is over- they’ll go back to fishing and buying statues together and all will be well!

Oh dear! Whitey of the limp ruffles has heard business gossip! Van’s plan could be sunk! She high-tails it to Havana to help Van save the deal!

They work all night! Shoulder to shoulder! Like professionals do! No hankerous in the pankerous!

Meanwhile Dave waits patiently.

Well! The deal gets done and all is well. I wonder if its morning in New York yet?

Uh oh. Linda gets a cold shower that morning when Whitey answers the phone at the hotel! Not good. After all the venom Mother Stanhope has sprayed her with, she is thinking she’s a chump and Whiteys a chippie. Oh dear. Linda decides to leave Van! Well, if Linda is going to drop him, Whitey will catch him. She breaks up with Dave, but makes an attempt to keep wearing a white hat by going to see Linda. Gratuitous amazing bedroom picture! Is that a brass greyhound? Posh to the bosh!!

Whitey tells the miffed Linda that no, they hadn’t been involved, but he was a great guy and if Linda didn’t want him, she sure did. So Linda should think about the mistake she’s about to make, because Whitey is getting her track shoes on.

Linda realizes that its better to be with the man she loves and take a chance- maybe never knowing if he is trustworthy, than to be like her bitter Mother in law.

Whitey gives Dave a call. He loves her and he decides to be the bigger man. Honestly, I was hoping he’d run off with Linda.

photo credits: little me.