I dreamed I was a little generic in Mccalls 5973


Chickadees, I must bare my soul. I buy gaudy fabric.  Rarely do I sew solids. Maybe a texture will catch my eye, but oh honey that is as rare as the pope in hot pants. So, I have collected a lot of patterns that have minimal cuts to the fabric that break up the design. I like great swathes of unmolested print. Unless of course I’m going Great Gravy Gaudy (GGG) and combining textiles, but that eye searing topic is not for today , my little ones.  Today we talk minimal seams. Mccalls 5973 has been in the bin for a few years, waiting on my foolish muse. The upper left drawing caught my eye. Lots of unforrested acreage thre. But I have an irrational dislike of Laura Linney  the smocky looking bodice. It’s a little ‘stand in a field while my hemp-clothed diapered offspring frolics’ for me. It doesn’t have anything to do with Laura Linney- I’ve never seen her in a field, but I do have an irrational dislike for her. She knows what she did. Nuff said.

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It’s kind of bland and the ‘Contemporary Trendsetting’ moniker makes me snicker, because I can see it with a turtleneck and clogs on Mackenzie Phillips if I squint. But I’ve learned that you can’t cross gaudy with too much design detail. You get gaudy mud and end up telling people how cool your pattern was- cuz you’ve gaudiflaged it too much for them to appreciate it and what fun is that? Weighty issues confront this little tack’inesta everyday. Tis true.

But I love the sleeve line. I do- its batflap arm flattering, it’s flowy, it’s multi-season. So I fell into their trap and did some ‘Contemporary trendsetting’!  Yes, there is mossy foliage growing from my armpit like Miley Cyrus 2016. But, that’s a good thing, right?

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Forgive my austere expression- I was using all of my inner hell energy to make the camera do my bidding- somehow it resets while I’m not looking and I end up with blurry ‘I swear we saw Bigfoot by the burn barrel Chasity, I shityounot’ pictures.

I’m happy with the results here, tho I have an issue or two- this one not related to the pattern drafting, but to little me. The pyramid-shaped lass is not totally suited to the faux belting- it rides up like it wants to leave by the first exit it comes to. I stopped adjusting so you could see its slow breast smothering creep in all its glory.  I knew this. I’ve always known this, but the heart wants what the heart wants, you knows? Hmmm….how many times do you think ‘breast smothering creep’ has been yelled in a subway? There’s a  kewpie doll for anyone with stats. DM me.

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Would you believe I’m wearing pink tights in these pictures? I swear they match my pale piglet pallor perfectly! Here comes Bigfoot! I will consider this dress a win tho. It’s a perfect, ‘oh I’ve got a meeting, must look like an adult’ or the ‘I cannot face selecting one of my usual awe-inspiring combinations today, my heart is weary’ kind of thing to whip out of the closet and don. I won’t make it again, the other stylings didn’t grab me and the traveling belt issue is not high on my priority list. There are other foolish hills to climb!

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Am I the only one that gets crazy cutting out these ‘design your own, style it, freestyle’ patterns?

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I always, always, bet on it- you will take home a case of turtle wax- cut out too many pieces. I could have made 3 skirts. I get to sewing and fish around in the bin for the right piece and invariably grab a ‘convex nape panel’ or a ‘reverse placket’. When honestly, I wasn’t even planning to do the version with 3 front panels- because (say it with me class) I didn’t want to break up my mossy flower festive print. I’m usually very organized in the sewingroom-  all the Colin Firth dvds are in order of their European release, my snacks are set up by best taste temperature, you get me. I’m going to blame the most recent addition to my editorial squad- the Jas’mini. She’s constantly wanting that purple toy thrown and it’s a mission and a trial. But she’s cute- wait are you eating MICKEY???? UNHAND THAT RELIGIOUS ICON YOU FOUL TEMPERED BEAST!!!!

 

photo credits: pattern review, little me.

I dreamed I baked cookies in my Burda 6974


Good morning everyone and welcome to another day in the kitchen of the Pie-and-Leer Woman!

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You know nothing quite warms my dainty heart like whipping up vittles for my extremely virile and all-American husband Lard! Today he’s out in the corral castrating the livestock and working up a manly appetite! So I’m in the kitchen as God intended making him a little snack! 2

Lard works so hard and he likes me pretty, so I always bake in a fresh new outfit with grease defying cleavage!

1 Today I’m wearing Burda 6974 and it it’s in a sassy knit geometric print so I can run out to the paddock and wrestle a calf if necessary, without getting any noticeable blood on me! The gathered front neckline has a draped center and reminds me of Darlin’ Lard when he tucks his bib into his flannel and tears into some ribs! 8

I got the fabric shipped from Fabricmart cuz it wouldn’t do for me to be out of the kitchen for too long- my menfolk need constant nurturing and hearty proteins!7

This shape is a favorite of mine and I cut it as a dress originally- but decided it looked too much like another dress I had- so I tunic’d it. See, Lard isn’t the only one willing to cut things off! 4

photo credits- pattern review, little me,

Hey- Hey! I finished something!


Well, you know I’ve been a-sewing, but I ain’t been a-showing. This week- forgive me in advance- I’m a-showing two tops. Yes, two! Burda 6354 and Butterick 6594 have that blousey, large-lunch forgiving shape I love and lots of options for color blocking or just making the gaudiest print even more hard to look at. I of course chose the latter. 6354

As you will soon see, I attempted to stand as awkwardly as the models for comparison.

Thoughts?  I’ll make this again. Maybe a touch longer. My little Mary Todd Lincoln shoulders of course made me edit the neckline. I get hunchy, you knows? So after I put this on Ms Holloway and did some snipping, I ended up not needing the button closure loop at the back. It wouldn’t have saved me from a back seam tho- the waist detail peplum action goes from kidney to chole.

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This fabric has been sitting. I have a very good friend out there who knows that I need to wear more springy tones and leave my browns alone, so this is sort of a muslin. Next time I’ll also add a bit more ease in the sleeves. Bell-ringing in my tower has given this little hunchback some powerful arms. You should hear me do Pink Floyd- it brings tears to the congregants.

want to see the front? Ok, full disclosure. My water company is feuding with he city over a sewer repair that they want us to pay for. So yesterday, on my day off- my water got cut off- because the city hadn’t ponied up. It was grim in the dachshund den, I tells you. I bathed like it was Jack London’s house in the Yukon. I heated all our ice cubes on the stove and gave myself what I shall forever think of as a penguin whore bath. Sorry for the visuals but I promised you no rose garden.  So no makeup was happening. Never fear- I used filters like the cool bloggin’ instabraggin’ gals do. This one is supposed to make my face look slimmer.

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Ready for round 2? Still picturing a tepid ice cube frenzy in my kitchen? Stop it!! You make me blush!

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When I first saw this pattern I thought- ‘yech- it’s Blossom! Grab the slouchy socks I’m gonna hurl’ but the shape looked like it could be very comfortable and oh what possibilities and look, the shoulders come pre-sloped!

Gentle reader, I made it. In a brown fabric! Of course. This one is definitely a weekend top. Comfy, mildly interesting and that’s about it. I used a bias tape for the neckline instead of a self facing. This pattern feels like a good way to use up ‘meh’ fabrics. I was concerned that it would be monster gathering in front and scream ‘fertile peasant’, but it’s not too hovery.

I swear on Debbie Reynolds gently used tap shoes- this is almost my last piece of brown stash fabric! Honest Intestine! I swear!

This next filter is a Kardashian favorite- nose contouring, sculpted eyebrow, engaging pout….

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photo credits: pattern review, little me.

I dreamed of Nordic furniture in my McCall’s 7760


The husband and I love Ikea. Seriously. We both have tiny cars, so the 4 hour round trip usually involves a van rental and days of emailing back and forth with Kallax vs Liatorp debates and budgeting talk. Seriously- we’re dorks that like a giant store.

We have redone the computer room this year- I can’t stand the term ‘man cave’it just harshes my mellow- like Mr B needs a private room to escape from my gardenia scented foolishness…..oh. I get it now. Huh.

Moving along! He needed 400 shelves for his legos. God forbid the different Starwars timelines might meet on a shelf and create a plastic sci-fi wormhole. So we’ve been looking at Ikea Hacks on Pinterest, Reddit, the dark web, you know- like all adults decorate their homes. He now has a Besta/Kallax/Ekat motif.

Here’s a link to a website that explains all the Ikea collection names: https://lar5.com/ikea/ You can thank me in 2 hours. Here’s some meatball porn:

Where is all this going Chubby Sewing Gadfly, you ask? Do I have a point? Um. Sure.

Usually I roam thru Ikea wishing that my husband shopped faster and hiding in the 675 square foot apartment living room and pretending I’m in an episode of Fortutude. This last time I found a bin of Varkage!! Yes, Varkage! I know right? Isn’t that the best? Who doesn’t like Varkage for $4.99 each? Nordic nirvana indeed!! So I bought 2.

Behold- the Ikea hack for little me!!

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McCall’s 7760 has been in the ‘not sure what to do with you’ bin for a few months now. You know I love a floaty chiffon thing- a sartorial hovercraft as it were. I think the gal on the envelope forgot to button it- but she’s trying top look cas about it.

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But it’s a lot of flutteriness for a top on my delicate pork shoulders- but as a swingy jacket over whatnot- yes indeed. Enter the Varkage! No changes to the pattern other than some minor woodging to get it all on my 2 pieces. Ikea- I rarely complain about you- but could you make the Varkage a hair wider? Thanks, err- TAKK and stuff.

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Most of the woodging sacrificed the sleeve length- I had to change the sleeves to a cuffed 3/4 length as I was really scheming to avoid a back seam and hopefully use the fringes edges to best advantage. By the by- the pups loved the Varkage- I had to rescue it several times from becoming a nest under one of them. Got to remember not to fling this across the back of the chair in the bedroom (Remsta in Djuparp blue-green velvet- Article number 203.447.61)  I did a very primitive zigzag at the edges to let it have a little fringey business as it gets worn. Just like me! Worn out and fringey! Check out this little picnic area:

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photo credits: little me, Mccalls.

I dreamed I was bas-ackwards in my Butterick 6375


I was so jazzed about this pattern when I saw it. Gees, that pretty much says that I’m going to rain all over the Butterick parade today, but I swear, I’m not. Not even going to say that this one puts the Butt in Butterick. Look at that swishy little hip flounce. I figured why not? These hips were made for Flouncin’ and that’s just what they’ll do, right?B6375_xa

Side note- the hanger appeal to this is a bit wonky. The side wrappy business goes from gallbladder all the way around the world to ‘don’t poke me there- I’ll squeal’. On a hanger it’s unsecured and hangs down past the hem like a poorly packed parachute. Ready? I followed all the directions, but I think this one got a little complicated or something for me- behold- my flounce has a doggy door.  IMG_1675.JPG

See that? I know it’s hard with my gaudy-flage, but my pleat doesn’t cover the pattern cover deception! The  tech drawing doesn’t really make you so aware that the front skirt is not one full peplum with a pleat gently accenting it. Nope. It’s a pleat hanging over an open flap- like you’d find in giant refrigerated buildings- so the flies don’t gather on your brisket. Well, peeps, my brisket is semi-exposed here. Not a huge deal , i suppose, it just looks clumsy to me- I didn’t have enough fabric left to redo it and make it more of a procenium for my stage. So I get a little flappy.

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By the by, this is make up free sunday- I apologize for the horror show, but I took pictures after sneaking a shower while the husband shampoo’d the carpets. We were at door hair/dog piddle saturation point- quite literally. Too much info? Shall we get back to the flies on my brisket?

Funny thing. I popped this on then ran for the camera- trying not to make eye contact with ‘he who is most persecuted because he’s doing chores’ and thought, huh, this fits oddly thru the shoulders and I don’t remember it being so….cowly. Whatevs. As the cool kids say. Huh, the back is kind of airy too. No wonder I haven’t worn this more than once. But I really like he cowl and the belt. I need to wear this soon. Pull pattern from bin, start gathering my wooly thoughts…..

This ring-tailed tooty is on backwards and Crappity-doo. It looks better. Hold on- let me do a little quick change-

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Bippidy-Boppity-blah. You should see me put a sweater on the dog- I’m like Houdini. Yup. The dog disappears.

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Amazing right? I know there is something wrong with me. No matter what my Mom says. Anyhoo……..

photo credits: little me, Pattern review

I dreamed I was a Hand Puppet in my Butterick 6359


Connie, Connie, Connie. Why is there only one review of this out there? It didn’t even get a picture. Sigh.

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Here I am, Saint Annelicious- The patron Saint of Bad Textile Ideas. Bless me Father for I have used much foul language, violence against inanimate objects and post-sew snacks.

I have a wearable dress, but……. only from this angle.

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I work in a healthcare setting- so I try to avoid anything that looks Scrubby or closes with a self-fabric tie. But, every foolish plan has it’s day, you knows?

*Trivia note: the Husband thinks that prolonged uninterrupted sewing is an indication that things are going well. Machine start and stop is an indication of struggle and doom. Weird, right? I learned from my Mother that screams of ‘GOD BLESS AMERICA!’ and ‘DIRTY BIRD?!’ indicated struggle and doom and that kids, it was time to play outside- perhaps in another state.

So, this pattern has a LOT of straight swathes of stitching. Great tracts of straight stitching. I basically made myself curtains. That should have been my first clue of a problem. What plus-sized or other pattern has a completely flat-show a Drive in Movie- ‘oh Look, Rory Calhoun!’  on it shapeless back? Or side panels with no darts or shaping?  A giant hospital gown does. Perfect. My dream. It is pretty bedpan friendly.

Deceptive pattern picture girl probably has a giant clamp on the back like she’s just said yes to the dress Atlanta. Look at that front fold- it’s my new enemy.  It clings and puddles in the back and sways like an opera curtain in front. I pinched out about 3. inches tapering out of the skirt on the front pieces and its like the fabric is all rushing to meet me in front. Obviously it doesn’t know how charming I am.

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But I never know when to give up, do I?  Just ask any of my husbands!

I tapered, I angled, I chopped away at this dress like Vidal Sassoon on poor Rosemary.

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I hate fabric ties, so I had already decided to change the outer one to a sassy button. Then I got really frisky and changed the inner one to a wide bit of elastic. I did use the bias pattern guides to finish off the neck edges, I just cut off and tucked the ends in.   

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Ok, now I’m happy straight on. BUT, when I turn to the side- either one- there is a giant problem with that back- it’s dragging, it’s creating an upper butt puddle of fabric. a lovely over the tush valance of drapy horror. YAY! I tried fish-eye darts- vertical ones. It created a serious pulling drag feature on the sides. Like the ultimate cage match between who needed more of the bedclothes- Goldilocks or the 3 bears. The 3 Bears sadly were my breasts and paunch.

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Connie, you are truly concerned with my arm hole gaps, but you don’t seem concerned with my butt puddling?!

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So I just kept pinning until I could gather enough out and still be ok with it. I ended up with a horizontal tuck across the shoulder blades. So call it a wearable muslin or a design detail. Whatevs. I’ve given it more of my life force that I think I should have, Connie?!

So next hurdle. I wore this to work and had to make 2 emergency trips to the ladies to secure the 3 bears. Pictures taken during neighbors coming home from work- whats so weird about me trying to show my nethers to a peach tree in my yard, can you answer me that???butt6

You get lots of very convenient scratching opportunities in a wrap dress. Have pointer, will satisfy!

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Oh, by the way, if you get the fancy idea to do it with a sheer contrast, that skirt panel is sheer to the upper thigh- so you can have the se-xxxy hospital gown you see in the porn films. ‘Nurse Janet- the patent seems agitated! Do what you can to soothe them!!’

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photo credits: Pattern Review, Little me.

I Dreamed it rained on my Vogue 1496


Do you curate a clothing museum? You know what I mean? You sew things that don’t have anything to do with you, your coloring, shape, lifestyle- then refuse to part with them? I’m getting better about that. I used to buy clothes that were great sales, but matched nothing. So they hung out in my closet and admired my shoes. I got into the bad habit of buying fabric the same way. Now I curate a Modern art museum- nothing matches the sofa or makes any sense.

So I’m trying- trying, trying, to be responsible.

Sew what you know you like: Tunics, crazy art teacher togs

Sew what you look good in: Tunics, tapered crazy art teacher togs, less brown, more soft shades.

Blue has always made me feel sickly.  But I think it’s me- our relationship needs to change. So I bought 5 pieces of blue fabric from Fabricmart. Here we go:

Vogue 1496- looks like a pool cover up. But it’s the back that sells it. It’s got this wrap around, backs seam- wait- what did they call it? Very loose-fitting, tapered, pullover dress has V-neckline, optional pockets (stitched in place), front extending into yoke back, no shoulder seams, back armhole openings with narrow hem, and stitched hem. Hot Buttered chipmunks- that’s me!!!

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No, that’s a size 4 dehydrated model.

Here’s me:

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Breath-taking! I know, right? It’s like a sexy hospital gown on a sexy hunchback. I made no changes- it’s so easy and comfortable and despite it maybe not being the most flattering look I’ve made- it’s summer in the south and I’m liking it! Here’s a dandy picture of the sleeve/armhole/slashy business:

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Do you want to meet my friend? Ms Holloway is sporting my left overs- done up in a sassy Simplicity 2599- the staple shell pattern that is perfect for all occasions. I got all kinds of frisky and gathered bias strips on an angle to make her more fun. Now I have to stop myself from mindlessly fluffing my breastal area  all day. It’s worse if I’m wearing this blouse of course. Just let that settle for a minute.

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So I have a dress I’ll actually wear and a shell that is perfect for the 7:15 ‘what the hell don’t I need to iron???’ mornings. Here’s a bonus action shot- me doing the 100th throw of the purple toy since I got home from work. Last nerve fraying like cheap costume satin.

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photo credits: Pattern Review, little me