Last Night I dreamed I saved the World in my Vogue 1682


“psst- Psst!”

“Huh?”

“Yes, you dahling- the ungainly one by the eyewash station with the obviously dyed hair- come here, Dahling!”

“Do I know you? Aren’t Edna Mo-“

“Hush! The Pixar’s have ears everywhere- very litigious- no names! Call me….Madame E will do!”

“Hey, what are you doing>? That’s my $22.99 with free shipping thru Amazon Prime Ruffled maxi cardigan in rich neutral!”

“It is a pilly schemata! I will burn it!”

“Careful- you’ll set off the alarms!”

“Your style is settling off alarms! I am putting them to rest! This! This is for you dahling! I call it……hmm….THE TEFLON GEKKHO!!!”

“oh”

“Why are you not running in circles dancing the jig of your sun-adverse people? This is a jacket of GREAT style and perfection!”

“I think it’s the gecko part- it’s confusing….”

“I watch you Dahling- I see you in your little office, the doctors breaking your spirit and handing you their empty Red Bulls- you are meant for greater things!”

“My own Red Bull?” 

“Bah! I see the real you- your pale belly, your neck wattle- your all seeing eyes! GEKKHO!”

“Gecko?”

“Gecko Dahling! Behold- your Vogue 1682 Teflon Gecko Jacket! The envelope says ‘Misses Top’ but it is more of a jacket, you get me, I know. It has three sleeve pleats for extra durability when resting ones elbows on the desk top during long winded surgeon calls- also pleats that give extra range of motion for reaching for more post-its!”

“I really like the collar- is it like a cap-“

“NO! IT IS NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL!!!”

“I’m sorry, I like capes.”

“No. I will speak, you will model. Look at the fancy! The pattern calls for her collar to be contrast, but NO! I know best! I flip it- I give it life! I give it…..GEKKHO! Some would think it was a mistake and I appliqued geckos to make it look like a plan- THEY ARE WRONG! I MAKE NO MISTAKES! ONLY INNOVATION!”

“I like the little tails- what is this fabric?”

“Proprietary secret! Look! I cannot burn it-“

“OH! Hey, that hurts!”

“But you are only burnt where the jacket does not cover you- see? “

“But I am still burnt, can I have some aloe?” 

“NO EATING DURING FITTINGS!”

“Ok, I’ll just-“

“You’ll just hush- look at how strong the fabric is!”

“IS that an icepick? Stop! Please! I believe you!”

“Dahling- these buttonholes took 2 needles and a Ukrainian bodybuilder to sew- the thread- it had to be reinforced in my secret lab- very hushush- very powerful!”

“I really like this pattern- I’d like to sew it myself- maybe in a linen or maybe with……”

“SILENCE- Edna is speaking! Look at the special darts in the under collar- providing shaping and elongating the neck for better surveillance. Also flattering to those neck wattles I spoke of. Sleeves! Wide sleeves for karate chopping! Hiding of small grenades and snacks!! You like. Say that you like!”

“I think it’s lovely, really I do…..”

“OF COURSE YOU DO! WHO BUT AN IDIOT WOULD NOT! Special feature- convex back panel topstitching to flatter the back fat dahling- very nice, you see“

“What’s that beeping, do you hear it?”

“Dahling, I must go- fashion distress signal- I think it’s that Stark boy- he goes thru smoking jackets like a house on fire- HAHAHHAHAHHA! See what I did there dahling?”

Photo credits: pattern review, little me.